Monday, January 02, 2012

I am calming, now, I am calming.  I recieved an iphone for Christmas and it has a white noise app whose "ocean waves" setting has the most amazing ability to calm me.  I had a bit of a flashback today.  A scarcity flashback.  I have been broke since Christmas, waiting for a handout from my parents, broker still from some car repairs due to gang vandalism.  Very frightening, a major gang tagged my car and now when I go to the [location redacted] I'm afraid I'm going to get my hand chopped off with a machete by the {name redacted}. (this is how scared I am)

Tonight Katie ordered Thai food and as we were eating I had a flashback to the several periods when I had no reliable source of food and no food stamps and had to eat each meal as if it was my last and began to eat the Thai food as if in a panic of starvation.  Now, I am not starving.  I eat one or two meals a day but that is customary, that is normal, coffee and alcohol help it along.  I didn't leave enough for Katie and she was hurt, she felt something was wrong, she felt my disquietude.  Now I am drinking her last beer as well, my greed for fear of deprivation, in engulfs magnitudes.

The waves, how calming.  Last night I listened to them for an hour. I lay in bed and imagined I was on a boat the size of my bed floating on gentle swells, over the sea.  Burial at sea or rather memories of our honeymoon in the cabana on the Caribbean Sea, the ocean outside the window, or childhood camping by streams, my college dorm by river, our home now so recently by a lake.  Before dredging. Before expulsion.  I have been trying to dredge why this sound is so calming, where the other white noise sounds are not as soothing.

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